We all have an idea of who we wish we could be. A better version of ourselves that’s more productive, disciplined, and achieving our goals. But despite our best intentions, the gap between the person we are and the person we aspire to be often feels impossibly wide. We set ambitious resolutions to work out regularly, eat healthier, read more books, finally write that novel – only to quickly fall back into our comfortable old patterns and routines.
With each failed attempt at self-improvement, it’s easy to become frustrated and critical of ourselves. The “hustle culture” messaging tells us that if we just want it bad enough and have sufficient willpower, we can make it happen. But the reality is that meaningful change is incredibly difficult. Our brains are basically wired to maintain the status quo.
To understand why transformation is such an uphill battle, it’s helpful to think of your brain as a dense jungle. All of your established behaviors have created well-trodden paths and highways that are effortless for your brain to follow. Deviating from these familiar neural routes requires hacking through uncharted terrain, expending considerable mental effort. Our brains inherently dislike this arduous task, so we tend to stick to our default routines and habits.
This dynamic helps explain the two main drivers of our behaviors – routines and habits. Routines are sequences of conscious actions that we take to achieve a desired outcome, like cooking a favorite recipe a certain way because we know it will taste good. These routines are directed by the “wise planner” part of our brain that strategizes for the future.
Habits, on the other hand, are unconscious patterns of behavior that become automated responses to certain triggers or contextual cues. These are managed by the impulsive “toddler” part of our brain focused solely on immediate gratification, not long-term goals. While routines eventually evolve into habits, making them feel more effortless, habits were often initially born out of doing something rewarding, like enjoying a sugary treat.
We can’t simply rely on willpower and our wise planner to force new behaviors. The toddler part of our brain will inevitably rebel against too much effort and delayed gratification. Instead, we need to craftily employ the habit-building process itself as a vehicle for sustainable change.
The key is to take the vague aspirations we have and break them down into bite-sized, actionable routines that are so small, they almost feel insignificant. Want to get fit? Start with a routine of doing just 10 squats per day at a designated time and location. Identify a context that can serve as a trigger, like having your workout clothes laid out first thing in the morning.
At first it will take conscious effort from your wise planner to initiate and complete the small routine. But the more you repeat it, the more you reinforce the neural pathway. Gradually, the impulsive toddler brain will start associating the trigger with automatically carrying out the routine. What was once a routine has become a habit requiring little mental energy.
This is why the smallest sustainable changes can lead to biggest improvements over time. While doing only 10 squats a day may not seem impactful, consistently showing up creates the habit. From there, you can slowly increase the duration and intensity of your workouts in a way that feels natural, not forced. The same pattern can be applied to any goal – meditation, cooking, reading, writing, etc.
Of course, this process is simple in theory but difficult in practice. Building new habits takes patience,discipline, and acceptance that there will be lapses along the way. Research shows it can take anywhere from 15 to 250 days for a behavior to become an automated habit. The initial two weeks are relatively easy to sustain motivation. But that slowly wanes as we inevitably encounter stress, obstacles, and days when we just don’t feel like it. Those are the make-or-break moments when we need techniques to make sticking to the routine more enjoyable.
One strategy is to pair the routine with something you find pleasurable, like only letting yourself listen to an engaging podcast or audiobook during your workout. Another is stacking the routine onto an existing habit, like doing 10 squats immediately after your morning bathroom routine. Or you can explore ways of making the activity itself more intrinsically rewarding through creative adjustments. Experiment and customize techniques that work for your personality and circumstances.
The most important factor is to approach change with self-compassion. Lifestyle transformations are a journey, not a destination. There will be days of success, stagnation, and backsliding. That’s perfectly normal and okay. Just refocus on taking one small step at a time in a positive direction. Even modest incremental changes towards better routines can accumulate into profound impacts on your life satisfaction over months and years.
No matter how many times you may have fallen off the wagon in the past, you always have the capacity to realign your behaviors with your aspirations. The human brain is amazingly malleable, constantly building new connections and habits. With consistency, patience, and self-kindness, we all have the ability to slowly mold ourselves into the version of ourselves we dream of becoming. Start small, use the science of habits, and embrace the journey.